Drying the silverware by hand.

This morning I was drying silverware by hand.  Why, you ask.  Because the dishwasher soap had a fake lemon scent that almost made me retch (love that word) and yes I could still smell it after all the rinse cycles of my Kitchen Aid and it permeated the entire kitchen just from opening the container for a few seconds. 

Drying silverware is a zen activity. Wiping down the little bowl of the spoon tricks the mind into getting off the thought loop.  I had an un-chore like thought and I was thinking it of another.  What is her essence?  What is my essence?  What is it that I want so badly that it drives every single act?

Good ciabatta bread and cheese. 

You complete me.

Beyond that. 

Some humidity in this overheated house. (It's still cold in the morning).

No.  Think about it.  If you get to the singular word at the core of all your hopes and dreams.  Reduce it to one word.

Comfort.

Comfort?

Yes.  All my behavior, planning and driving force is to achieve comfort.

Comfort?  Huh.  Like a good mattress?

I'll see you tonight.

No.  The comfort of knowing you are okay with yourself.  That you are okay with your journey and you are okay with your progress and you are okay with your behavior toward others even the neighbor who runs landscaping equipment from dawn til dusk.

And?

This morning I am okay.  Even though I'm reeling from an embarrassing marketing video I made that looks awful and sounds awful and even though I got up in the middle of the night and ate Haagen Dazs pineapple/coconut ice cream (how is that not like crack?) I was okay with myself.  I was okay with the path and I was okay with the progress.

Stop hounding me, I want to get clean!