When my children were
young, I made up a song for them. Be Kind To Your Openings.
We all have openings. Most of those openings need to be free, unobstructed,
open to the world, ready to take in information. At the southernmost end,
some of those openings, at the mercy of
gravity, urges, and quixotic storage, need to be covered, protected, comforted
shielded and contained. Containment is the most important.
That established, let’s
talk about underwear. I was once a copywriter for a large department
store chain and part of my job was to sell underpants. Here is what I
would say today about men’s underpants.
Consider the flat two
inch elasticized waistband with stable reliable stretch that never gives
up. The body well-cut from 16 ounce pima cotton jersey that yields pleasantly to the shape at hand. The generous
wide crotch contains, comforts and ensures security with a seamless
return that spills over and hugs the upper thigh, leaving nary a gap. No wonder
men go into the world with a dance in their step. They feel secure, contained,
invincible.
This is what I would say
about women’s underwear:
See this thin string of rubberized material indenting the female waist or worse, quickly losing its elasticity.
See this high cut leg leaving a highway that exposes the vulnerable groin.
See the almost see through unyielding five ounce (possibly reclaimed) cotton
that orders the buttocks to make do with the available coverage. See the
elasticized crotch miserly in width, spitefully narrow, See these three
important most hard working openings, misunderstood, tentative, uncertain.The
southernmost platform, exposed, unsteady, not quite contained, nervously poised
on the edge of a cliff.
I went to T J Max
and stood before the men’s underwear wall where a feast of life changing
containment and comfort awaited. I unseated a pair of short-leg boxer briefs
from a hook. They were dark grey 30” waist, 100 percent silky jersey
cotton. I took the briefs home.
Almost fainting with trepidation over any latent gender misclassification,
I put the underwear on. OH. MY. GOD! THE MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR BEGAN TO BELT OUT
SEVERAL HALLELUJAHS. Whuk? Is this how men feel?
Remember that lady marathoner who had to free-bleed while she ran the marathon? Her period had arrived at the starting line. Unwittingly, she became a champion for women’s final frontier of defiance. Stuff comes out of us without our will. That’s what happens. Get comfortable with it. Moreover, we have a delivery system that is not as precise or tractable as the other gender.. We didn’t choose it. That’s the way it was meted out. Childbirth takes it down a couple of notches. We deserve equal pay and equal underwear.
BE KIND TO YOUR
OPENINGS.
