My life is like food I have purchased that
clearly says, ‘refrigerate after opening,’ and I keep glancing at it on the
shelf and think, ‘oh yeah, I really should refrigerate that.’
You have only to remember Willa Cather’s My Mortal Enemy where there’s a
realization at the end of life that the person you’ve been living with is your
mortal enemy. And suppose the person is you? Of course it’s
you. Now that I think about it, it has to be you. That’s why you
have to take care of these things while you still have a chance. You
don’t want your dying words to be, “Oh, bummer! The murderer? It
was me all along.”
I was no better than The Manchurian Candidate
when I got married. I had a chip inside me that was like a homing
missile.I think I had no sense of safety.
Yes, I’m sure that’s it. Back then, women had no sense of safety unless
they were married.
I looked for my old thought catalogue:
this house is falling apart I can’t stop eating Katie Couric looked good on The
View. I haven’t been outdoors in two days the lawn needs cutting the big tree
in back is going to fall over and kill me where is my hairbrush I’m afraid of
taking Tylenol p.m. because I might not wake up my feet still look good the
gutters are filled and there’s no one stable enough to climb a ladder and get
them out I can't stop looking at J.Lo I need a manicure and a pedicure my
eyebrows need shaping the ground turkey that is a staple has been recalled but
I already ate it I love Alec Baldwin why did I think I could manage my own
brokerage account if I thought about the money I’ve lost, it would make me pass
out and why did I sell the New York apartment so soon when now it’s worth five
times more the rich guy next door has the loudest air conditioner I’ve ever
heard and it runs 24/7 he waters his lawn so much there’s a perennial puddle in
front of my house where mosquitoes are breeding by the millions but I am
annoying the neighbor on the other side with my huge tree that sheds leaves and
other debris all summer long and keeps his driveway filled with stuff and oh,
the kids.
I have given up on too much. I have said “okay” to the
absence of nurturing work and real intimacy and a reliance on love as a hub of
life.
While I’m talking
about scent assaults, I may as well call your attention to the soap Lever
2000. I went up to my second floor one day because I smelled the
overpowering scent of cheap perfume mixed with stale sweat. I thought a
cologne-crazed robber might be hiding up there. The smell was suffocating
and it was coming from an unwrapped bar of Lever 2000. I began to feel
nauseous and had to take it far out of the house and throw it away. I
would vote for any candidate that would outlaw perfumed soaps, shampoos or
anything else. Thank god for scent-free All.
At the check
out, the woman in front of me had every item I would never buy and yet I wished
I knew her.
What kind of person
buys this at Walmart: individual packets of Whiskas, Shout Out, Pringles,
Devil Dogs and miniature-sized lemon-scented S.O.S. pads. If you’re picturing
overweight and slovenly, forget it. She was thin as a rail and neat
as a pin. I knew this much about her: she doted on her cat, she could
tolerate fake scents, she took her snacks seriously and she didn’t need Real
Simple Magazine to give her any bs ‘aha’ ways to get stains out. This woman
had chosen everything in her basket with a purpose and knew exactly what she
was going to do with each item whereas my purchases were random and impulse
driven. I wanted to ask her what was the worst stain she had
dissolved with Shout Out and if the miniature S.O.S. pads were a better
value. What came to mind as I waited for her to pay was how
appropriate it was for Spiro Agnew to have called us “an effete corps of
impudent snobs” to characterize the East Coast intellectual voting block. This
woman (who might be a Harvard-educated neuroscientist for all I know) was
exactly why people like my friend Delores seldom got their candidate
elected. She represented the whole big other section of American life and
it’s their America, too.