Tuesday, May 22, 2018


You know what I hate?

When someone over explains something like placenta cord banking and how it can build a new arm or a heart for their baby in the future and how they will be glad to send you all the literature in case you want to bank your placenta cord, too.  But you have to store it while it’s still warm and be sure the guy who sold you the service is waiting at your vjay ready to receive it and you're not embarrassed because - you know, miracle of birth - and if you want they will give you his number and you wish you could take some placenta cord and wrap it around their neck while they are talking and pull it tighter and tighter until their eyes bulge and then you let them go. 

You're going down
When someone over pronounces like Alex Trebek saying Nicaragua so hard it's a diy tonsillectomy that shuts down taping. Or a dinner guest says tiramisu and expects you to genuflect and they keep saying it over and over to show they’re sophisticated and can pronounce it and brought something expensive and all you want to do is take the pudding glob and stuff it down their throat like a goose you want to force feed to harvest pate and watch them gag and then their eyes bulge and then finally you let them go.  

When someone over describes their vacation and how the sunsets had ten colors and the sunrises had twelve and the hotel staff was so nice they could have stayed there forever and you wish they had and they keep insisting you should go there and you say well I would go there if you hadn’t ruined it for me with your frantic enthusiasm about the stupid sunsets and who the hell cares about your stupid trip and your stupid life. And you would like to take one of those hammock ropes and wrap it around their neck and pull it tight until their eyes bulge and then let them go.

When someone just read something and it was the best thing they'd ever read and they'll let you borrow the book and maybe they could drop it off on the way to work tomorrow and even if you live to be 100 you will never read that book because now you hate it and you hate them and you want to take the hood string out of your new hoodie that you had to get on a waiting list to buy and wrap it around their neck and pull it tight until their eyes bulge and then let them go.  

When someone tells you about their new meal plan and how Hello Fresh sends just the right amount of cilantro and peeled garlic in little bags and it doesn't cost any more and it lets you give your family a decent dinner even though you have a stressful job and the phrase "give your family" sets you off because why the hell is it your job to give your family anything and when they ask if you would like a month of meals as a present you swear to eat Chef-Boy-R-Dee ravioli out of the can over the sink for a month if you can put the Hello Fresh package tape around their necks and hope some of the glue still sticks so you can begin taping their esophagus and pull tight until their eyes bulge before you let them go.  

When someone says they are on the paleo diet and it was the best thing ever and they feel terrific and their eyes see better and their ears hear better and you can't imagine how much it improves your life and you think how much your life would be improved if these vapid imbeciles would never show up again. and you want to take some spiralized zucchini and wrap it around their neck and pull it tight and will it not to break until their eyes bulge before you let them go.  

What?  Too angry?

Saturday, May 19, 2018


I got up at five a.m. for the royal wedding.  I wanted to see every big and tiny moment.  It was more than worth it.  I was left with some thoughts. 

Hands down Doria, the bride's mother, was the classiest and most beautiful person at the wedding after her daughter.  She was quietly dignified.  Endearingly teary.  She let Prince Charles be her partner without timidity or fuss. She looked gorgeous.

Kudos to Prince Charles for picking up all the loose threads with ease and charm and for taking care of Doria and Meghan for his boy.

Meghan had one expression:  a big indefatigable smile that never left her face.  She smiled through the small moments and the big moments.  

Prince William was chatty with his brother and with his father.  He is immensely likeable.  He did his job without grandstanding. He let his brother wave alone to the crowds when they were walking  to the church. It was Harry's day.

Some of the guests.  

I don't remember Pippa being so beautiful.  

Fergie was greeted warmly by her daughter's fiancee but didn't get to sit with her daughters or her ex in the royal section.  Why do they humiliate her?

Victoria Beckham always looks pissed.

Amal and George didn't whisper to each other while they were strolling to the church or when they waited in the pews. They didn't look at each other either.  George smiled at the crowd but Amal didn't smile.

Serena and Alexis talked and looked at each other and smiled.

Oprah didn't get a lot of camera time.   She seemed less significant in England than she is in the U.S.

Good moments:  

William and Harry talking casually while waiting for the ceremony to begin.  
Harry tearing up immediately at the altar.  
Harry looked anxious.  He looked like a groom who was worried the bride would be a no-show.
The word besotted was invented for the look on Harry's face when Meghan appeared and when he moved her veil back.
Both the Queen and Philip, in their nineties, got out of the car and walked unaided, even up many steps. The phrase noblesse oblige comes to mind.  Their stony confusion was priceless when the Gospel Choir began to sing Stand by Me. It made  me think of Sister Act and I expected Whoopi Goldberg. 

James Corden was there with his wife.  I wouldn't have been surprised to see him do a car karaoke with Elton John right in the center aisle. That's the kind of wedding it was.

The Chicago minister talked a tad too long or maybe his energetic delivery made it seem long.

I don't think Meghan knew the words to God Save The Queen. National anthems make everyone appear as they did in first grade.

Kate was another non-smiler. I think I saw an eye roll, too. Maybe the post-partum hormones are still kicking in.  The kids behaved.  The boys in charge of the very long veil did their job.  Charlotte did, too.  She waved energetically.

The cello player was fantastic. I wish he had played earlier in the ceremony.  After the pre ceremony wait and the emotional vows and the Chicago minister the guests were both tired and overstimulated.  They were anxious for the newlyweds to reappear.  Bravo to the cellist though. Only nineteen years old.

The best part of the wedding was the crowds.  The crowds made a magnificent statement to the joy and fun people crave and will not be denied.   This was a once in a century opp to experience a fairytale.  Hooray to all those who traveled from all over the world and waited for hours, days, to watch this great rom-com climax. The crowds and their cheering gave the wedding heft and made it work as a historic moment.