Saturday, September 8, 2012

The Michelle/Barack E-mail Diaries


Today I received an e-mail from Michelle Obama that started out like this: Consuelo, thank you for an amazing week. Barack and I felt your energy up there.

I’m ashamed to say that while Barak was belting it out on the stage in Charlotte, I had dozed off and was possibly drooling on the small pillow holding my head.

This sounds hard to believe but I often get an e-mail from Barack himself.  Just before he accepted the nomination, he wrote and said: “It’s because you’ve got my back that I’m here.”  This kind of scared me because I didn’t know I was his back-up and I haven’t been paying attention to the economy or anything else. Maybe it was my fault that the jobless claims shot up.

Last week, Michelle wrote to say: I know your life is full -- with work, or school, or family (or playing computer games)-- and yet you still find the time to help out. (One family) skipped pizza that they could make a donation.  Now here’s where I have to go to the bathroom mirror and face my horrid selfish ways.  I had not skipped my pizza.  I had, in fact, eaten pizza twice.

Usually, Michelle asks for $3 but just before she went on stage in Charlotte (looking really beautiful) she asked for $19.  I thought Oh, that darned Romney is getting too much money from his wealthy cronies and now I have to dig deeper.

I receive several of these e-mails from Michelle, Barack and others in the Obama team every day.  Some of them ask me if I want to have dinner with Michelle and Barack. They tell me that if I donate anything, even three dollars or less, I could win a pool and be picked to have a laid-back meal with the family.  One of the e-mails asked me to sign Barak’s birthday card the way we used to do in the office when someone had been fired or was leaving for a better job. The most fabulous offer of all dangled Barack, Michelle and George Clooney.

Today’s e-mail went on to ask me to donate money so Michelle could keep the momentum going and finish strong.
I can’t even keep the momentum going in my hand whisking to make scrambled eggs. Please, Michelle, pick someone else.

Not long ago I got an urgent e-mail from Bill Clinton who said: “Don’t think you can wait because your neighbor is stepping up.”  Holy Moly, that’s exactly what I was doing: waiting for the rich guy next door to step up.

Last week, I got an e-mail from Mitt Romney.  Friend, it began.  That was Mitt’s first mistake.  Barack’s e-mails always begin: Consuelo.

Mitt asked me for $20.12 to support Paul and me. He didn’t ask me to come over for dinner or to meet Clint Eastwood.  Mitt, you have to sweeten the pot for that much money. Barack offered me a seat on his campaign bus for a $3. donation.

The following e-mail was confusing
Consuelo --
If, for some reason, you don't want to meet the President before he accepts the nomination ... if you don't want to sit up front with the First Lady while President Obama takes the stage ... if you don't want VIP tickets to all three days of the convention, airfare and hotel covered for you and a guest ...  Then enter (before midnight) for the awesome confetti.

This made me feel bad.  It reminded me of how I used to trick my children into doing stuff.  “I guess you don’t want to get an Atari or you would stop teasing your sister.” It also made me feel that the Obama team thought I had been stupidly unresponsive to their fabulous offers.

I’ve learned a little something about raising money from the campaign team.  If all of you reading this blog donate $10,000. you will be entered to win a chance for you and a guest to have dinner with me. No, airfare and accommodations are not included although there is a cash bar.  And don’t  think you can wait because your neighbor is stepping up.  Oh, and I know it’s because you have my back that I’m here.

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