Tuesday, May 22, 2018

NOT ENOUGH SLEEP



You know what I hate?

When someone over explains something like placenta cord banking and how it can build a new arm or a heart for their baby in the future and how they will be glad to send you all the literature in case you want to bank your placenta cord, too.  But you have to store it while it’s still warm and be sure the guy who sold you the service is waiting at your vjay ready to receive it and you're not embarrassed because - you know, miracle of birth - and if you want they will give you his number and you wish you could take some placenta cord and wrap it around their neck while they are talking and pull it tighter and tighter until their eyes bulge and then you let them go. 

You're going down
When someone over pronounces like Alex Trebek saying Nicaragua so hard it's a diy tonsillectomy that shuts down taping. Or a dinner guest says tiramisu and expects you to genuflect and they keep saying it over and over to show they’re sophisticated and can pronounce it and brought something expensive and all you want to do is take the pudding glob and stuff it down their throat like a goose you want to force feed to harvest pate and watch them gag and then their eyes bulge and then finally you let them go.  

When someone over describes their vacation and how the sunsets had ten colors and the sunrises had twelve and the hotel staff was so nice they could have stayed there forever and you wish they had and they keep insisting you should go there and you say well I would go there if you hadn’t ruined it for me with your frantic enthusiasm about the stupid sunsets and who the hell cares about your stupid trip and your stupid life. And you would like to take one of those hammock ropes and wrap it around their neck and pull it tight until their eyes bulge and then let them go.

When someone just read something and it was the best thing they'd ever read and they'll let you borrow the book and maybe they could drop it off on the way to work tomorrow and even if you live to be 100 you will never read that book because now you hate it and you hate them and you want to take the hood string out of your new hoodie that you had to get on a waiting list to buy and wrap it around their neck and pull it tight until their eyes bulge and then let them go.  

When someone tells you about their new meal plan and how Hello Fresh sends just the right amount of cilantro and peeled garlic in little bags and it doesn't cost any more and it lets you give your family a decent dinner even though you have a stressful job and the phrase "give your family" sets you off because why the hell is it your job to give your family anything and when they ask if you would like a month of meals as a present you swear to eat Chef-Boy-R-Dee ravioli out of the can over the sink for a month if you can put the Hello Fresh package tape around their necks and hope some of the glue still sticks so you can begin taping their esophagus and pull tight until their eyes bulge before you let them go.  

When someone says they are on the paleo diet and it was the best thing ever and they feel terrific and their eyes see better and their ears hear better and you can't imagine how much it improves your life and you think how much your life would be improved if these vapid imbeciles would never show up again. and you want to take some spiralized zucchini and wrap it around their neck and pull it tight and will it not to break until their eyes bulge before you let them go.  

What?  Too angry?















1 comment:

  1. Hey there! I've been following your blog for some time now and finally got the bravery to
    go ahead and give you a shout out from Austin Texas! Just wanted to tell you keep up the good work!

    ReplyDelete