While
scrolling FB I can categorize my feelings toward the “friends” I’ve collected.
1.
FB re-discovered lost friends and relatives: In the first flush of
re-connecting with so many relatives and friends I’ve completely
sentimentalized their persona and “like” everything they do because I think I
love them and wish I lived next door, etc. In their episodic, truncated FB
life, they seem innocent and vulnerable. I also - and this is hard to
admit - feel I’m more worldly and sophisticated than they and - this is hard -
it is a condescending and patronizing affection. Now that I’ve dug this
thought out of my subconscious, I feel like a slug and - I’m willing to admit - delusional.
2.
Re-computing the FB profile of acquaintances: this
requires a mental “huh? “as in ‘I never thought this man/woman would ever
mature but it looks like he/she is doing okay and I’ll give him/her a nod -
wait - he/she seems fully engaged with the world while I am still a bystander and
maybe I’m the immature one - and look - he/she has dinner out with friends and
goes to weddings and posts iphotos of sunsets, etc that are boring to me but
possibly of interest to other people who aren’t bystanders. Is he/she living “life
to the fullest” while I keep treading water? Crap, maybe.
3.
Cats: as it stands now, unless there’s a cat out there who nursed a wild
boy who grew up to be president and the cat can also play classical piano well
enough to accompany Itzhak Perlman with the full consent of Zubin Mehta, I can
live without ever again seeing a cute cat on FB. (apologies to my e-friend
Molly who is bats about cats).
4.
Just shoot me now category: the stuff that is presented to me proudly as
funny or spiritually instructional is not funny or inspiring. Not even a tiny
bit. Most of it is in a frame, precious and priceless. I beg FB to hide all of this stuff even though they put me
through the Spanish Inquisition to justify my reason for hiding it.
It’s as if FB is saying: “How can you not like this? What the heck is
wrong with you?”
5.
Activist posts: Ok I get it Monsanto is the devil. Here’s the
thing. If you didn't get me to fly to St. Louis to deface the Monsanto
headquarters the first 50 posts, you probably won't motivate me ever. If
I’m to be honest, I don’t care. What????? Am I an ignorant uninvolved
jackass? Yes. Am I part of the problem? Yes.
6.
Covert bragging category: I'm oddly ok with this. Life is
hard enough without having to shut up about the good parts. Just be aware that only about 8 people in your life will love your successes and the other 92% don't care. Sometimes I
prefer overt bragging as in: Hey, everybody. Stop what you are doing and look at my handsome boy using the potty! A
covert brag that I kind of liked went like this: The mailman delivered the fat
envelope and the letterhead says: Lux et veritas. This is both covert and elitist
because only the cognoscenti would decipher that the writer’s loopy son Jason
got into Yale.
6.
Pictures of my grandchildren or short videos of my grandchildren: FB was
made for this activity. I don’t care if you scratch your eyeballs every
time I share a video of Gwynnie playing tennis or Kate in the sailboat or
Penelope singing Happy Birthday or James jumping waves on the shore of the
Atlantic Ocean or Margot toddling and grinning with movie star sunglasses. These
are extraordinary people and milestones and you have to look at them. If
you hide them, I will hunt you down.
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